Hellsing discovers text messaging
by sammaclausegamgee
Summary: Just a bit of fun a friend and I had. I did Alucard's part, KeidaHattori was Integra


**OH HEY!! READ THIS NOTICE RIGHT HERE:**

**This is in no way meant to be an accurate representation of the Hellsing world or characters. This is not meant to be a literary masterpiece. This is just my friend and I being stupid. SO if you have read this an think "god this sucks balls" then decide to leave a nasty review, you can go f*ck yourself and live with the knowledge that you're an idiot and did not read any of the things I've just typed OR the description I put up there for all to read BEFORE they click on this "story" to read it. I am not interested in your self-righteous "I'm so much smarter than you because my stories don't suck" sh*t. If this were something we actually put effort into, then I wouldn't mind so much, but REALLY!?  
**

**Subject: does it work?**

does it work? ............

no, no it doesn't....you freak

WHO'RE YOU CALLN' A FREAK YA WEIRDO?!?!?!?!!?!?!

[stuff above this point was out-of-character crap]

Alucard: I'm calling the man-lady a freak....freak :3

Integra: at least MY mother loved me, Alucard!

Alucard: *cough* I don't need my mother's love, dearest

Integra: no, you need a life . . . WHICH YOU DON'T HAVE!!!!! and i do :p

Alucard: I have 'life' enough...

Integra: don't forget that i still have an ace up my sleev, and i don't mean the silver ash tray.

Alucard: You mean your horrid spelling?

Integra: no.i mean the oh-so lovely seals that force you to do what ever i tell you to. how's that for an ace?

Alucard: Ooooh but I love it...so much *perverted smile*

Integra: Alucard, go stand in the sun for an hour without sunblock, take a bath in a silver vat of holy water, and the you can drink cow's blood for a month!!!!!

Alucard: And what happens when I'm too weak to save your sorry $$?

Integra: i'll just use Seras, she's good enough. at least SHE is OBEDIENT.

Alucard: Great, I'll have a good laugh when I see your impaled corpses.

Integra: are you sure you're not day-dreaming? last i checked, there was only one impaler in town.

Alucard: Perhaps...then there's the copycat killers...

Integra: i can't think of ANYONE that would want to copy YOU of all people, Alucard.

Alucard: You can't blame me for your ignorance.

Integra: my ignorance or your stupidity?

Alucard: I didn't survive centuries by being stupid.

Integra: if i remember correctly, you are dead. you must be alive to survive, and being undead doesn't count. secondly, you only 'survive' because of the curse that won't let you die untill the world ends.

Integra: what's the matter, vampire, cat got your tonge?

Alucard: If you want to get technical, you can make anyone sound like an idiot. Example: we aren't using our tongues, human *smile*

Integra: then how about 'cat got your keyboard?' or 'cat got your brain?' or better yet! 'cat got your mouse?'.

Alucard: Alright, you fixed it. Now, I'll fix mine.  
Since you can 'kill' a vampire, it must have some sort of life to extinguish. That's why it's 'undead' rather than...'dead'. I've avoided getting 'killed'.

Integra: correction! you have avoided being vanquished or whatever it's called because you can only die once! then again, i don't expect a 'master' vampire who can't even get his own servant to listen to him to understand something so complex.

Alucard: That's why I put it in quotations: '' "" '"'"!!  
I, however, can't expect a young thing like you, barely out of her second decade, to understand my logic, eh?

Integra: so says the man that is centuries old and still plays with his food and can't play nicely with other children. honestly, Alucard, didn't your mother ever teach you anything?

Alucard: Again with my mother! How would you even know I met my mother?

Integra: Alucard, you had to meet your mother in some way, shape, or form in order to have been born.

Alucard: Meeting isn't the same as seeing...still, I'll give you that. But....my relationship with my mother has nothing to do with how I act now...what can I say? It's fun.

Integra: only an immature child would say something like that.

Alucard: When you've been around as long as I have, this world gets boring if you don't get a little creative every once in a while.

Integra: then why don't you put that creative energy into something that doesn't involve making me angry, destroying public property, or me paying someone to keep their mouth shut!

Alucard: Now you're asking the impossible!

Integra: oh? the great Alucard can't even do something constuctive? if only you were more like Seras . . . . .

Alucard: Right, next time a legion of the undead attacks HQ, I'll be on vacation.

Integra: vampires don't get vacation. although a vacation sounds wonderfull right about now. Hawaii sounds good.

Alucard: I wasn't being literal. I just meant that if you want to rely on that girl, why should I interfere?

Integra: * ignors and continues on weird rant * or maybe SUNNY california . . .

Alucard: [mutter] at least I won't have to listen to your endless complaining while you're gone

Integra: i heard that, Alucard. and who said you weren't coming, too? i can't leave you here to run amuck!

Alucard: bringing your work along for your vacation ruins the point of the vacation.

Integra: Alucard, YOU are going to be the one doing all the work while i relax

Alucard: so, while I'm out working, you get to relax? Hmhmhmmm…

Integra: of course.

Alucard: Are you sure? You said yourself I can't do anything constructive...and that you couldn't leave me behind to 'run amuck'. So, instead, I'd be with you on your vacation making unconstructive messes for you to clean up. Hell of a good time!

Integra: no, you will be filling out all of my paper work. 24/7

Alucard: Oh, now you've gotten me excited! I can see it now: "Dear Japan, I've heard of your vampire problem and have determined my course of action. Frankly, your language offends my delicate ears and I could care less what happens to you. Therefore, let them eat cake! With love and crumpets always, Teggy"

Integra: why you . . . how DARE you call me Teggy?! and don't you dare compare me to that simpering idiot Marie Antonette! you Bennidict Arnold! you are forbidden to do ANY of my paper work! now go to your room and stay there for a week!!!!!!!! AND NO SNACKS!!!!!!

Alucard: I'm not...a child...

Integra: THEN DON'T ACT LIKE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walter: do you realize each of these text messages adds an extra charge to our monthly phone bill?

Integra: what!? Why didn't you tell me!?

Walter: I was about to, but something came up. I asked Alucard to inform you...

Alucard: I'm no messenger boy.

Integra: ALUCARD!!!!!!!


End file.
